By Chaitanya Anusha

Kedar is his name (Of course, you know that already. Sorry for redundancy)
He is also known as K and KD;
Age: 22 (as on November 26th, 2008);
Body growth level: Okay;
Mind growth level: Lower Kindergarten;
K is the simplest form of a human being.
K thinks.
K writes.
K reads.
K runs.
K sings.
K dances.
K draws.
K doesn't know how to take care of himself.
K bathes only when absolutely necessary (no, this isn't for water conservation)
K eats and sleeps on a minimum basis only when he wants to.
K likes to be silent.
K speaks only when he really has something to say.
K tries to crack very funny jokes.
K likes to listen.
K is very selfish. (if you know what selfish is)

And..

K is committed (This is new! Did you know that?!)

(Is this called a testimonial?)

The Enigmatic Answer

“Do you believe in god?”
“What!?”
“I asked do you believe in god.”
“Ya! I do. Why do you wanna ask me that now?”
“Nothin man! Just like that. So you think god exists?”
“Shut up and pass that cigarette. I dint bunk my class today so that we can sit and discuss theology!”
“Ya! But still don’t you think its something… something…??”
“Something what?”
“Mysterious! Or something strange. Like look around, so many people believe in him, pray to him so many times a day, even spend so much money trying to please him, still none can actually give a proper answer to his existence.”
“…and how does that bother you?”
“It doesn’t actually bother me. I mean, don’t you want to know whether he is real or not?”
“No”
“Why?”
“Why should I want to?”
“C’mon ra! Just now you said you do believe in god.”
“So?”
“What do you mean so!? Don’t you want to know for sure? Like completely and totally sure whether you are right or wrong.”
“The only reason I said that I believe in god coz’ that’s what my parents have been telling me… my grandmother has been telling me… see those people erecting the tent for ganesh puja… what they have been telling me! And now you too… who wants to disturb my quiet afternoon smoke!”
“You mean you don’t know whether he is real or not?”
“I don’t care whether he is real or not.”
“Arey! How can you say that? We need to know whether there is a god or not. Or at least something like a supreme power or something. You know…”
“No I don’t.”
“Arey!”
“Give me one good reason why I should care.”
“I can give you many!”
“Okay. I’m waiting…”
“Don’t you want to know who made this universe? Who controls the elements? How were you born? Who made this huge ocean… and this bench?
“I’m not totally sure, but I think it’s the GVMC.”
“Ha Ha, real funny! I am serious ra.”
“Chill! Ok, it’s true, I don’t know who made all these… and my subject happens to be medical microbiology… so in what way do you think I need to concern myself with the Big Bang theory? I deal with disease causing microorganisms, not with Origin of life!”
“What if you have to go back to the basics? Like with your germs and all. What if you need to research about how these organisms were created in the first place? Where did they start and when did they actually start affecting people and all that? Then what?”
“Hmmm… good question. I guess then I would sit and analyze all the technical data I have with me. Interpret all the options I see. Use my logical abilities to find an answer. But how can that be a concern for me now? First of all, I know I don’t have to go that far. Secondly, even if I have to, I can’t do anything about it right now coz’ I don’t have all that information. How can I worry about something, without even having a go at it? How can I conclude anything now itself, just like that?
“Maybe… but that doesn’t answer anything.”
“Why?”
“Coz’ you are talking about god like you are talking about some scientific thesis. I am talking about having faith in god and his influence over us. You and me ok. Not all people will do research, trying to find out whether there is a god or not. Believing in god is a matter of faith. Not of experimentation and inferences!”
“So you mean to say we shouldn’t go by our logic?”
“Not exactly…! Like see, there are so many things that happen all the time, which go beyond our understanding. Even for the smarty NASA guys. Logic somehow doesn’t answer everything.”
“True! There are things that go beyond human comprehension.”
“Hence people turn towards god regarding things that are not in their control. Pray to him. Follow religious customs and all. All these stuff for his help.”
“So we need god, since we need his help?”
“You don’t have to look at it that way! I mean all don’t go the temple just because they have a tough exam tomorrow. Oh, shut up! I only went twice, that too it was math, and I managed to pass too. See, it works!”
“Okay! So I wake up early. Dress up neat. Go to the temple. Offer my puja to god. Request him for an easy paper, or a first ranker beside me, or at least a blind invigilator! Right?”
“Well! Not exactly…”
“…and that too, irrespective of how I studied last night for the exam.”
“No! That too is important.”
“I wake up early. Dress up neat. Go to the passport office. Talk to the passport officer. Offer him some money, so that he will speedup my work, or ignore the discrepancies in my paperwork. How about that?”
“How can you relate that to this? This stuff is illegal!”
“I thought if we can do that with god, I guess it can be done the same way with my dear passport officer too. I guess his name is Mr. Babu Rao or something like that. What you say?”
“That’s different man! See, I study my best for the exam and I go to the temple and take god’s blessing. Like we take it from our elders before we do something important. Not every time we pray to god to ask him something. We like him as such, and thank him for all the good things he gave us. What’s wrong with that?”
“Good man! You are on the right track. I think that’s how it should be. But again, that doesn’t apply to me.”
“Why?”
“Coz’ I don’t care either way.”
“As in?”
“Like, I do all that I can do. I give in my best whenever and wherever I can. I need no other help. Be it a blessing or in any other way.”
“Man! You are too conceited.”
“I guess you can call it that.”
“Since you dint take the blessing, what if you fail? I mean asking god for help has its own advantages you know.”
“I’ll take my chances. I am not worried about that. I fail, I fail with no excuses. I tried hard and lost. Fair enough. I never said ‘help me’ when something went wrong. I won’t say ‘thank you’ when I win. I take things as they come. I like that way, and I am pretty much cool with my life.”
“What! Are you some kind of a free spirit individualist or something?”
“Hmm… maybe. I dunno. Never actually thought about. Any more cigarettes left?”
“No ra. All done. You know something, even if tomorrow we come to know that god is real, he won’t be of any use to you. Coz’ I see there is no reason why you need him! Haha! Imagine tomorrow god will appear in front of you, and ask you what do you want, and you will be like… ‘Don’t disturb! We have enough door mats. Go to the next house.’ Man! That would be so funny. What happened? What are you thinking?”
“Nothing… Chal! Let’s go. Let’s go and eat something, and go for a matinee. I’m in a mood for a celebration!”
“Celebrate what?”
“Your second girl friend’s birthday! Shut up and come. Nothing to do for today kada… let’s roam about the city. Where are my bike keys?”
“Here. Where are you running off to? Ok fine, but we need to be back by 9, or my parents will screw me! And I have those assignments to complete for tomorrow too.”
“Chill dude! Tomorrow is another day. Here I start! Last one to reach the noodles stand is a rotten egg!”
Damn! This guy is fast. Wait ra idiot! I am coming…”

a Love never in Vain

The wind gently kissed me.

A distant sun warming up to me for the love I can give.

The birds, all flocked around, chirping for a Hug which will bring flight into their hearts.

I sat there waiting for her, wondering what made nature love me so much that day!

Is it because that I am the luckiest man alive?
Death too, upon me, then and there, I bet can’t take away that luck from this young soul!

A young soul to which the world has opened up its bosom.
Care and comfort, rained upon him.
Something good and great. He could never comprehend (something to do with his hormones probably!)

She made his days pleasant and peaceful.
Nights calm and quiet.
She whispers him to sleep, all the sweet things that are in store for him tomorrow… and the days that follow.

Life was never, this clear to him.
Nothing bothered him anymore.

His past, too distant to be a pain.
His present, a bliss in honey!
His future, a rose about to blossom.

He never stopped to ask whether all this is real. Was it too good to be true?
Spring never came so early and stayed this long.
But why should he worry? All his world is none, but his angel of dreams… and here she comes in flesh and blood to talk to him, all those words of love and light, without which he could never live.

Why the hell this should not be too good to be true?




Yet….

This, as he finds out, is too good to be true!

Those were no words of love and light, but brilliant flashes of darkness thrown at him, making him go blind, numb, and frightened.

He could sense his fallen angel repeating words, which he never thought, could be made into sentences…
Sentences, they were not, but a final ultimatum to all the things he holds dear.

Even now, he remembers not a word from all she has uttered. The essence always remained fresh in him.
The words were never important. Her eyes conveyed all the meanings.

He never knew when she finished her torture, when she walked away, when the night had fallen.
A blink of an eye and the Spring stolen from the Seasons. Forever.

The wind stopped blowing.

The sun hid its face.

The birds lost their voice.
Even they couldn’t believe the scene, they’ve just witnessed.
He couldn’t see their pain. They could see his.

I got up slowly, walked a few paces, something made me turn back.
I was not surprised to see the reel stuck, repeating the horror, in slow agony, again and again, till eternity.
My eyes refused to watch, legs refused to walk.

I had to run.
Run as fast as I can.
Run from this cursed place, before it can eat me alive, bit by bit.
But I guess it wouldn’t make any difference. Death has already come upon me and I just stand there… without my heart.

This dead man could never remember how he spent all these days. (Sheer luck, I suppose!)
But nature abhors no vacuum.
Fear got better of me, lost in pain and lost in life.

Days always cried, nights always taunted.
Asked me about her. They already knew the answer. I guess they wanted me to know too.
I didn’t want to accept it.
I don’t want to face it.

Truth gives knows no options. No room for excuses.

Is this how its going to end?
Is this how he’s going down?
Is this how I wish to complete what I started long back?

Why ask questions when you don’t know what to ask?
Give not this young soul hope or inspiration. Give him not love or trust.
Preach him not, the stories of the Brave. Teach him not, the 101 ways to be Happy.

Just give him my word as I give it to you now.
Shake his hand. Pat his back.
Gift him the ten rupees Bar-one and tell him his love will never go in vain.

I’m sure he will smile back at you.

SHUT UP

If the doctor never told me that I’m a boy,
You would surely find, in my bag, a Barbie toy.

If my mom never told me that I have to go to school,
I would have sat in my house and be not a fool.

If my teacher never told me 1+1 make 2,
I never would have asked her “Says who?”

If my dad never told me that I should always save money,
There would be a hole in my pocket, and man! That would have been funny.

If my friend never told me that he got the first rank,
I probably never would have pushed him into that Tank.

If my girlfriend never told me that I’m her only Mr.
I surely would have also loved her sister.

If my boss never told me that I was the best in the team,
I would have left the company long back and chased my dream.

If my wife never told me that she wanted so much of that, and more of this,
I’m very sure she would have been Happy with just a kiss.

If my children never told me that I’m growing old,
I would have ended up being more cold and bold.

If my priest never told me that its time to redeem my sins,
I never would have walked with him till the bins.

All my life I’ve been told and told…
Listened to him, and listened to her, and now the mystery unfolds.

With ears closed and eyes open. Hands flung wide, and feet fast on the ground,
I see now what I’ve lost and found.

This is what I learnt. A statement from the best in me.
This completes my story which never even made sense to me.

If they never told me “that can’t be done!”
I guess doing that wouldn’t have been this Fun.

ESCAPE

This is no dream.
This is no movie.
Room is dark. The Moon light through the frosted glass window fell directly on us.
We both lay naked on the bed.
My head on her breasts.
No movement from us. Both are totally exhausted.
After 22yrs of patient waiting, I just lost my virginity.

The whole room remains quiet. Watching us from every corner.
The AC blows on. Successfully bringing us closer. She is gently ruffling my hair.
I hang on tighter.
I keep still, listening to her rhythmic beats, as my fingers play with her body.
Fingers walking here and there. Velvet to Velvet.

Ears engrossed in counting her beats per minute.
Eyes mesmerized by the shape of her nipple against the light.
Then she speaks…
“You do realize that this is just a one night stand! Right?”
“Ya! I do.” A voice calls out from me.

Then it hits me hard.
The final brick in reality hits me hard.
What was I thinking? She was never mine.
Probably, never meant to be.
But still…
My lips fumble in search of hers.
Hand to Hand. Head to Head. Heart to Heart.
We do it again.
She’s a monster. I barely manage to catch my breath now and then.
My body busy with pleasure. My mind far from it.

As we sweat it out, my thoughts drift afar.
Tomorrow she will move on. Both in form and implication.
Tomorrow I won’t be alive anymore. Only in implication.
Things will never be the same. My love has changed me.
Forever.
There is a naked girl in front of me and all I can think of is…what do you do when you want something very badly and you know it ain’t coming your way?

Finishing it for the second time and she falls on me, tired and full.
I realized that my face is wet with tears.
“Did it hurt you or something?” She asks.
No is my answer. Yes is the truth.
“You better get some rest. You look real tired.”
She is right. I could barely keep my eyes open.

I watch her sleep all night long.
Cuddled up in the sheets. Her head on my chest, her hand on my waist… I watch her sleep.
She turns around. Her bare back towards me. Softer than any pillow I touched. Slowly without disturbing her I lay my head on it.
I start counting again…

Morning slowly replaces night.
A day was about to begin. Mine was to end.
I get up and dress up quick. Her parents will wake up.
“Going already?” she is awake. Hair unkempt. Blanket barely covering her body as she yawns the question out. Oh my god! She is so sexy.
“Ya, I got some work to do. Close the door and sleep. Will wake you with a ring later.”
“Am I going to see you again?” she asks.

I turn around. I can see that we both are there. A second in time when we both felt it.
A moment where last night was still alive.
The moment passed…
“Na, I don’t think so. Will be a little busy.” I walk away.
As I step down the stairs, I hear her close the door.

Here, I close mine.

I Do

Sitting on the terrace in my shorts.
Sipping hot coffee, reading the paper.
Politics and sports, business and cinema.
Many paragraphs with long sentences. (Not to mention the difficult words!)
I still don’t understand why I read it.
The sun is about to wake up. His first rays warming up the air.
I stand, stretch, and take a deep breath.
A tiny trickle of sweat from the temple. A distant muscle being flexed out from slumber.
Time to go.
The hands in my pockets, and a tune on my lips.
I walk down…
I Think of you.

A silent shower, a colder breakfast.
A dash of deo, and a whole lot of comb.
Blue jeans, red shirt.
Wet hair and a day old stub.
I look into the mirror…
It’s been only a month and I have changed this much.
Sleepless nights and untouched dinners. Bag of bones and bags under my eyes.
Hair all ruffled. Nails all uncut. Empty sockets and a broken heart.
That’s all I got left with me.
It’s been only a month…
I Think of you.

On the road, it begins to rain.
Ah! The faint sweet smell of earth as it gets drenched.
I run for cover. The bus stop is full.
I squeeze in somehow; somewhere between dripping gunny bags and a leaking roof.
I sit and watch a normal day getting beautifully distorted by the rain.
A toddler with a huge raincoat gets a goodbye kiss from his mom as he gets on to the bus.
Urchins playing with paper boats. Watching them disappear down the drain.
A couple huddled tightly under the umbrella as they walk. Hand in Hand.
I clean my wet specs with my wet shirt to see more.
More clouds gather…
I Think of you.

Open highway, fast pace.
Horns and lights, left and right.
Stop and go, up and down below.
The world is spinning fast.
5^th gear in position, the accelerator to the max.
The speedometer rises, so does my heart rate.
I feel the rush of wind and water against my face.
I’m cold, shivering, and wet to the bone marrow.
I’m alive…
I Think of you.

Back bench in class, first to doze off.
Closed eyes and open mind, hovering somewhere between alive and absent.
I drool, I doodle, and I am bored.
Periods move on. Dull story with the same actors.
Fervent jotting down of notes. Ticking away with calculators. A beg here and a borrow there for a pen.
All signs of study! Everybody plays their role well.
I only worry about what the hell is wrong with my watch?
Nirvana is the word I am searching for.
At last! Saved by the bell…
I Think of you.

The rain ceased. The puddles are ready to leave.
I’m back home.
Drop my bag in my room; I go out for a walk.
All the birds are returning to their nests. They worked pretty hard at the office.
Stained collars, crumpled shirts, empty carriages. Behind them is a long day’s work.
I reach the ground.
A game with the buddies is a must after an exhausting day at college. What can be better than a ball in the goal, or a bail off the stump?
Vegetables and fishes are all sold out. Anybody wants to eat Pani-puri? Noodles?
With our stomachs full and muscles all tired, we march back home.
Up in the sky, the sun is going back to sleep. Every cloud gets its silver lining.
I see them…
I think of you.

The moon’s on the high, so am I.
Back on the terrace, under the blanket of tiny dots.
My back on the ground and eyes to the skies.
A coke bottle on one side, and a switched off cell on the other.
Clouds from the Far East. Is that a duck there? Doesn’t that one look like a car?
I let my imagination run wild.
A quiet breeze picks up. The moon floats, the clouds stand.
Haha! I see stillness in motion.
The moon, the clouds, my tiny winking friends, and a chilled carbonated drink. Could have asked for nothing more!
Then…
I think of you.

Tomorrow will be another day.
The drill of the same old routine will continue.
A circle has no edges. It will rain again…
Or maybe not!
Will I read my paper tomorrow or will I save that money to buy myself a gum later?
Will I finish my college or will that backlog keep me for one more year?
Will this be my last second or will Alzheimer’s disease kill me when I’m 90?
So funny life is!
Something new every minute. Something hiding around every corner.
Still I say… Einstein is wrong. Not everything is relative.

As simple as a promise one can make.
As real as every breath I take.
No matter what. No matter where.
Whether I’m lying in the gutter, ready to die,
Or high up in the air, with my wings spread wide.
To my deepest desire. To my admitted pain.
I will always think of you, My Love…

I Do.

That's Me.

Today I start living again.

I feel the sun. Too bright, too dim for my spirit.

I stare long and hard into the light... I feel my own eyes on me.

I don’t fear the fear no more. I’ve embraced it.

Yesterday was long… Tomorrow will be longer… Today will be the longest.

Every second seems to be stretched to an eternity. An eternity is too small for me.

My past can’t touch me. My future can’t see me. My present can’t catch up. What a Loser!!

I want everything. Everything is not what I need.

I don’t wish upon a star. I live among them.

I don’t believe in miracles. I am the only one.

Never complained. Will Never explain.

Don’t want to be good. Bad is not what I am. I am just right.

Deep mountains, Quiet storms, Tall oceans… My wish is my command.

I give nobody the right over me. I have nobody’s right over them.

I state no rules. Rules don’t exist. But… Isn’t that a rule in itself?

Don’t try to understand it. That has been done long back.

No contradictions exist.

No illusion can be stronger than its maker.

No We can be bigger than the I.

My words are my actions. My actions are me.

Strong are my arms. Strong are my legs. Strong is, every word I speak.

I don’t take, I create. I don’t continue I start. I don’t breathe, I live.

Nothing goes beyond my control. Beyond that, my control ceases.

I have been tough on Life. Poor thing! Pushed it too far.

Never learnt to give anything, coz I can only give, what you can give yourself.

I bend down and kiss my feet. I have fallen in love with myself. Just the way I love you, when you love yourself.

I won’t trade my life for anything or for anyone.

I sacrifice nothing. I oblige none. I will listen to all.

Long road, I have to walk before I sleep. I wish to run.

I choose to make a choice. That’s my bottom line.

I stand at the edge of Evolution. I fall over.

I am only an ordinary guy with extraordinary dreams.

Hence I say…

Today I start living again.

The Future Question

"Throughout the centuries, there were men, who took first steps down new roads, armed with nothing but their own vision."
Ayn Rand


"I don't know What to do next.....??"
"NO! That has no future....... I won't take it!!"
"It seems good, but my friends are not opting for that. Soooo...... why should I be the odd one out??"
"Yaaaaa!! I know i like it........ but you know my parents. They are like no and stuff like that."

These are the answers we generally give when confronted with questions of our future. The career questions.
CAREER
That one six-letter word, which freaks most of us out. It is that one most important decision we should make, that molds our entire adulthood. A choice which decides whether our breakfast will be in Subway or at a roadside idly stand.
Man!!
That's one important step to take. No wonder, most of us loose our cool in the process.
But still, I ask the question. Is it that tough? That confusing?
Isn't career supposed to be something we enjoy doing...... and also get paid for doing it. Isn't career like a journey to a whole new level, and not a destination in itself?
Isn't it supposed to be.......... a Happy thing!!!!

Still we feel, choosing a career is a big burden dropped down upon us. Some kind of a punishment, nature intended for us, for reaching puberty!
WHY
Where did it all go wrong?
Where did we lose the focus?
Why are we so scared of it?

Let's go to the beginning.
Did you know that there was a time when we were very clear about our future?
Remember the good old days! (Before puberty) The times when we were kids. Some big uncle or aunt would walk up to us and ask what do we want to be when we grow big, and we would like, with our cute voice say that we want to be a doctor, or a pilot, or a singer, or things like that.
I am sure, at that age none of us would have said "let me check the newspaper or ask my friends, to see which is having the "boom" now!"
Kids also never say "please ask my parents about my future. They are the ones who choose what's good for me."
We, so well knew what we wanted from our life, at that age itself! Our plan was already made at that time. It was so clear then.
Where did those days go?
Where did all that innocence and clarity of mind go?

But hey.... then we grow big!
We come to know that the world is bigger than we thought. We get to meet many people, see many places, and experience so many new horizons. So many that, we end up loosing ourselves in that crowd.
Gradually, the "change" factor sets in.
Our favorite songs, along with our favorite bollywood heroes......Change!
Our dress style, our eating habits, our relationships with the people around us....... Change!
So radical is that change that even our attitude, our beliefs, our method of thinking, doesn't remain the same anymore! So many influences from so many sides, make us forget our perception towards life. The lines we drew between right and wrong go haywire.
Bottom line...... We loose our focus.
The Result........ We don't know what we want to be anymore.

Then the day comes, after schooling, where we have to pick that specific course for our career. (Ex: choice for MPC, BiPC or MEC for 2).
I very well know what happens at that stage. All our elders, teachers, friends, and what the heck........ even cousins from America, come to our aid.
C'mon..... Don't lie!! I know what we all did at that time. Frantically, running here and there, trying to get the last minute advise before we turn our application in.
We don't want to know whether we like that subject or not. Our interest lies in knowing whether everybody likes it or not. Hence starts our ruin.


From there we jump to the "obvious" stuff.
"It's obvious Kedar...... I am doing my engineering now, so I'll sit for a campus interview, or write CAT or GATE or Whatever !!"
"Isn't it obvious Kedar........ Since I took BiPC I'll be doing medicine. What do you mean there other fields too? When you take BiPC, the only next logical step we have is doing MBBS. The other options are tough to pursue. You tell me....... What else can i do??"

There is nothing wrong taking the GATE, CAT, or the GRE if that's what you want to do. But doing it, as if that's the only option left to you, or it's some kind of an obligation forced upon you, then it's wrong. It's almost like murder, except that you are both ,the victim and executioner too.
Imagine, if your lifespan is for another 40 years, and you end up choosing something you don't like. Won't those 40 years become some kind of a torture for you?
Is that how you wish to live your life??


WHAT TO DO??
It can not get simpler than this.
Just do the right thing.

Everything starts from one small thing called as "Dream".
Have a big dream? The rest follows.....
A dream is nothing but a recognition of our wants. Our wants are the things which keep us happy all the time. Everything from our choice of toothpaste, to the friends we choose, is the end result of our wants. No matter how small or big that choice is, we should be able to appreciate it, and be glad that we choose it. Nobody wants a bad toothpaste or a bad friend!!
The same goes for your choice of career. Do not worry about whether it has a "future" or not. Become its future. Do not worry if nobody is taking it. You take it. Logical deduction is all you need.
If you are plain lazy, or just disinterested, then nobody can help you.
But wait! I see that you do have a burning desire to prove yourself. To do something, that will be worth your efforts. To be someone everybody can look up to. So don't just sit there . Go ahead and do it.
Just do the right thing.

The best part of the story is how this simple decision, if taken right, by all our youth can change the face of our country. Imagine India having Doctors, Engineers, Athletes, and CEO's working, not for the money or fame, but just for the love of what they have chosen to do. That would be more than enough for us, to become the super power by 2020.

Think about it. Anybody can tell you "How" to travel, but the "Where" to travel, is your sole decision.
There is a road with your name on it.
Walk it.
Claim it.